My Autism Story

 

My story to Autism was like it is for many women. Sadly autism in women is usually not noticed until they are an adult, not because they "aren't as autistic as men" but rather they mask and camouflage better. 

This Autism gap means many women including me aren't diagnosed until we are adults and struggle through school, teenage years, bullying, misdiagnosed and relationships, family, friends and romantic. 

I have had signs of autism since a really young age. I remember when I was 5 I didn't want to play with others. I would cover my ears when the ice cream van went past, I wouldn't talk to anyone really other than my mum and dad. I struggled but also thrived academically which confused teachers. But I was seen as shy, quirky, I needed to try harder at making friends. All of my school reports said needs to work on social skills. 

In my autism report it was written than my parents noticed I wouldn't give eye contact. I only liked certain foods, my tags were cut out of clothing, for a while I would only wear a certain outfit, my food couldn't touch, I just wanted to draw and read, I would get angry if I was stopped from my special interests, I would forget to ear and drink *I still do! It was noticed I had poor social skills.  I thought if this was all noticed why wasn't I taken to be diagnosed. 

Well it didn't seem like an issue. I just did my own thing and as long as I could do that it was fine. The teachers kept putting my in lunch classes on how to learn friends which I always thought was ridiculous as the other in there were the few I spoke to as they were also socially awkward. 

The trouble really started at school, especially secondary school or high school as it can be known. I was bullied terribly at school. I noticed that everyone had a social circle and I didn't. I realised I didn't really fit in and well my school classmates made sure to let me know I didn't fit in. 

I was bullied so much at school I now have PTSD due to that. Many autistic people have PTSD. A quote from the national Autistic society says "Research indicates that autistic people are more likely to report symptoms of PTSD. Although research has yet to establish clear prevalence rates, the rates of probable PTSD in autistic people (32-45%) are higher than those in the general population (4-4.5%) (Rumball et al. 2020; Rumball et al.". That's terrible but it's not surprising really. 

So my bullies would call me names, call me weird, a nerd, at times I was physically hurt. I would spent most my time in the library or science club. I loved school I just hated the people. I would become friends with some teachers who I could talk about politics and different books. I ran a club for amnesty international but not many joined. My mental health was at a all time low. 

But I got my GCSE's and was in the top grades except Maths. I've always struggled with maths and no one could work it out until my lovely maths teacher who worked out I have Dyscalculia as he had it himself. I finally got my C grade and all was good. 

I left for college, I was in a relationship with my only other weird friend really. I could study what I wanted and less people seemed to care I was weird. It was college so acceptable more I suppose. 

I got ill in college and my relationship turned abusive and I struggled once again. I didn't realise my relationship was abusive until a few years after he left. I didn't pick up all the cues and now I look back my autism was used against me. 

So in adulthood I was very lonely. Being undiagnosed Autistic and disabled I again was mentally very low. I became depressed and didn't know I had PTSD yet. So I joined only groups for my chronic conditions. I met a few online friends and that's where I met Mr Red. 

Mr Red brought me back into myself. He has many friends who are Autistic due to certain hobbies we share. He actually was the one who suggested I look at autism. 

Now at this point I was under a mental health team and let's say mental health teams are not usually the best for noticing autism in women. This needs to change but that's for a different day and different blog. 

I was diagnosed with PTSD but I couldn't put my finger on my struggles, BPD, bipolar and more where thrown at my but none quite fit. I suggested autism was a list of traits and folders of why I believe I could be Autistic. I first got told "you are just quirky". Then the best to date "only little boys who can't speak and play with trains have autism". That stereotype is worrying, really worrying. She was the Dr who actually sent me to the Adult ASD clinic to "prove me wrong". I wish I could send her my report. 

So I did the first part of the assessment, moved into the next parts and I was finally diagnosed with Autism in my mid 20's. I was given booklets of help and groups I could join and I'm still reading though it. If was only 4 months ago now. I will write more about the assessments in another blog. 

The amount of emotions I felt were huge, I cried of happiness to finally understand my brain Is just different. I am not broken. I am not anything bad, I'm Autistic! It has taken a long time but so so worth it and I'm slowly getting help for my struggles. Autism is a life-changing diagnosis but a good one. Yes, autism is classed as a disability and for me it is a disability but it's who I am and I now know why. That truly means more than any Dr shouting me down. They can no longer shout me down. So if you are thinking of asking for a diagnosis and you truly believe you are Autistic keep pushing. It's worth it in the end, for me anyway and if you are reading this I'm sure you feel the same way. 

 

Lady Red