These blogs are more about just airing my feelings rather than awareness and support.
I think ever since I've been diagnosed as Autistic my mind has been all over the place. So many what if pop into my head at 4am. It's exhausting and I don't think I'm alone but it can feel very lonely.
There's not many services for Autistic adults under the NHS, just not enough funding and you get diagnosed with your information pack and discharged.
Now my clinic helped me write a hospital passport in their own time and helped me with trying to sort out help for things I struggle with but it's hard learning this about yourself to then just get on with it.
I for so many years struggled. I hated loud noises, struggled in social settings, I would hit myself when stressed, no tags in clothing, food can't touch, a safe list of food, no strong smells, not having friends and being bullied and so much more.
They asked me in my assessment if I was sure I'm not already diagnosed because to them it was obvious but to others I was just quirky, a bit weird and shy.
I think about how I might have gotten more help and how my different problems like dyslexia and Dyscalculia might have been picked up sooner. If I wouldn't have PTSD from all the bullying. It's hard.
I also wish some drs who wanted to diagnose me with other conditions because only boys have autism could have just taken away that one sterotype and seen I'm Autistic.
I just get a feeling of sadness like waves hitting me keep thinking all of this but I hope with time this fades more... I don't know. But I'm slowly allowing myself to stim and wear my headphones instead of covering my ears. I'm telling those who I trust so they know if I need time alone it's not because I don't like them I just get overwhelmed. It helps a lot of my close friends are Autistic.
Bur it's a grief almost I think. It's hard knowing this huge part of me wasn't found out until I was an adult and I hope to try and be kinder to myself. One day at a time.
Lady Red
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